muhasabah

Assalamuaikum.
It is Wednesday, just went a week after my break, had some nice time after Subuh today, making some muhasabah about myself. Though I had planned a lot for this holiday, somehow I had lost the enthusiasm to make all of them. According to schedule, I have one week with family, then next week and the other week will participate in two debate competitions. Then, after that, have to finish taking my license, got some plan to work, some preparations for Ramadhan, planning to be a part-time tutor... And the list goes on..

Big question rises, what makes me feel that I'm going to live until that day? In my life, I admit that I am a planner, I prefer doing things according to plans. I have planned my life until the age of 50. What I want to do, what I wanna be, specifically at what age. Short-term plan, long-term plan, all of them, are in my planning. But then, somehow this past few days, I kept on asking myself, what makes you think you will be living until the age of 40 or 50? And when thinking to fulfill all these plans, I turned out being a very serious person. Sometimes I takes life seriously, perhaps everytime. I'm not saying it is bad to make all those planning, you should make a life-planning, as a Muslim we should have a clear target  of what we want to achieve in our life, the 3 roles(da'ie, slave of Allah and a khalifah) must be fullfill. But then, too serious in life would not be good. My brother had once said to me, "Jangan serius sangatlah, hidup kena pandai buat lawak, kita tak tau sampai bila kita hidup" and yet my friend had told me" hari ni mungkin kita lihat kawan kita berdiri, esok dah terbaring"-dang----it wakes me up. Yes, what they said are absolutely true. They make me think, have I make use of this life, to the fullest of it, cause this maybe the last, who knows? The word life there referring to TODAY, not tomorrow or ten years from today. Now I realised I rarely jokes with people. Seriously, yeah, rarely. Only at sometimes, with some persons. I don't have--what people called-sense of humor, yes I don't have it, and it is so sad, huh? Pity those friends of mine, for having such a boring friend like me.

So, from now on, I will try to be a more cool person, maybe try to learn how to crack jokes from my brother, and learn to smile and laugh more. At least try to bring more happiness to the people around me, cause now then I realised, our life will be more meaningful when we can bring joy and happiness to others. But still, the serious side of me can't be vanish, I'm not planning to turn out into someone else, just trying to improve who I am, to a better one. and for that, pray hard to Allah to help me to endure this.

 :)